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Summary: Sometimes sex with Russia isn't all that it's cracked up to be...

You Bastard Aru
“Yao~ What are you doing?” Russia asked as he hugged China from behind, rubbing their cheeks together affectionately.

“Tsk, can’t you tell I’m busy with paperwork aru? Now go away and let me finish!” China scowled, trying in vain to push Russia’s face away from his.

A mock hurt expression entered Russia’s face, ‘Eh~ but it’s been so long since I last saw Yao Yao. We should play together and make up for the lost time da?”

To make his point clear in what kind of “play” he wanted, Russia slipped one of China’s finger pushing at his face into his mouth, slowly running his tongue over it.

China quickly yanked his hand free, a flush entering his face, “W-what are you doing?”

His hands still around the slim waist, Russia pulled China’s body closer to his. However, the Chinese nation still resisted even though he knew when the larger nation set his mind to something, there was no stopping him.

“No aru! I-I don’t want to!” China yelled, struggling in Russia’s grasp, pushing at his large chest.

Capturing one of China’s delicate hands in his, Russia smiled. “But I want to…,” Russia leaned down to nibble at China’s ear, whispering into it, “and we both know sooner or later, you’ll want it too….Right Jao?”

Despite his initial protest, China couldn’t stop the excited shiver that ran down his spine when he felt the warm breath upon his sensitive neck. Curse this infernal body. It was like Russia had conditioned him to expect the mind-numbing sex they always had. He turned his head away from the lips seeking his, scoffing, “Don’t overestimate yourself aru.”

Undeterred, Russia contented himself with simply gliding his mouth over China’s smooth cheek. He gentle laid a hand on the side of the smaller nation’s face, turning it to face his. Challenging, golden eyes met his. Russia silently laughed at how utterly adorable his little Yao looked. He knew he should first quench China’s anger but he couldn’t stop himself from bending down and kiss those soft lips.

When he felt China finally relent and half-heartedly kiss back, this time Russia couldn’t stop a chuckle from escaping, “No. I don’t overestimate myself. There’s no need for estimation between lovers right?” One of his hands slipped underneath China’s shirt and began idly playing with the waistband there. Russia’s voice became husky with desire as he continued to lavish China’s face, mouth, wherever his lips could touch bare skin, with butterfly kisses, “Because that’s what we are right? Lovers? You love me just like I love you da?”

China closed his eyes, falling under the trance of Russia’s hypnotic voice. He tilted his head to give the Russian more access to the skin at his neck. “You’re not playing fair….”China said without heat.

Russia’s hand dipped inside of China’s pants, finding the rounded cheeks there. The Chinese nation’s gasp at feeling a callous hand suddenly touching him was smothered as Russia claimed his mouth in a demanding kiss. Russia buried his free hand into China’s hair, pressing their mouth closer. Their tongues ran over each other in desperation in feeling one another. Slick, wet, sliding, retreating, plunging- their kiss mimicking the very act they were about to commit.

At last they broke away. Russia laid his forehead against China’s, their panting breathes mingling. Stroking the side of China’s arm, Russia spoke quietly, “Turn around and face the desk, Yao.”

China stiffened. He hated being commanded but staring into those burning violet eyes, he felt his heart beat race. Reluctantly, he turned and placed his hands on the desk, slightly bent over it. “This once. Only this once,” China’s mind chanted as he felt Russia ever so slowly bend down, pulling his pants along with him. China’s traitorous body trembled when Russia kissed his way back up China’s leg, up his calves, the back of his silky thighs, before ending his quest with a finally lick on China’s buttocks.

The Chinese nation sharply inhaled, feeling large hands cup his backside, kneading, spreading them. He tensed. Any moment now, any moment he would feel the sharp pain of Russia preparing him but afterwards…Heaven forbid, afterwards the pleasure he would feel. They would- *SQUEAK*

China’s twitched slightly. What was that sound? He was so preoccupied with the foreign sound, it took him a while to feel a huge patch of his right butt cheek feeling wet.

“Was Russia sucking on it without me knowing?” China wondered without turning around. Then it hit him, the distinct smell. The distinct smell of permanent marker.

Eyes widened, China whipped around to face Russia, “What did you do aru!”

Whistling innocently, Russia grinned at China, “Nothing~. Just made the view better. We should continue with the sex da?”

Ignoring Russia reaching for him, China dashed to the bathroom….

The world became deathly still as if it was the calm before a storm. A few seconds later, the storm struck.

“YOU F*CKING BASTARD ARU! YOU DREW A RUSSIAN BEAR OVER MY PANDA BIRTHMARK!”

“Jao~ Come back. I’m not done yet. I still need to write ‘Property of Ivan Braginski right above it.”

Say My Name
Heavy silence settled in the room, thickening the air with its’ suffocation. No…the room wasn’t silent. The bed creaked underneath their bodies, the head board rhythmically banged against the wall with every thrust of the Russian’s body into China’s. Labored breathing filled the room, broken occasionally by a breathless moan or sigh. No, the room wasn’t silent but to Russia and China blinded by pleasure- their minds so intent on the feel of the others’ skin, the burning sensation of the others’ heat- the world might as well be dead.

Russia leaned over China’s arched back, placing soft, light kisses on pale, white shoulders. He felt the smaller nation tremble slightly at the change in position, the change in penetration.

“Ivan….,”China quiet gasp of his name was like the gentle summer breeze murmuring through the trees: sweet, calming, intoxicating.

Russia leaned in closer until his mouth grazed the delicate curve of China’s ear, his front now pressed against the Chinese nation’s back. “Jao….” He whispered China’s name, his breath teasing the black strands, “Jao…say my name. I want to hear your voice say my name.”

“Ivan….Ivan….” China sighed his name over and over but….

“No, not that one. The other one.”

Not quite understanding, China turned his head and reached back to pull Russia in for a kiss. “What other name?” he asked while running his lips against the larger nation’s.

“Waterpipe-kun. I want you to call me Waterpipe-kun.”

"...."

"...."

"....Get off me aru...."

“Eh~ Not until you say ‘Waterpipe-kun’ in that sexy voice you have.”

“…Get that ‘waterpipe’ out of me now aru, or I’ll make sure no more ‘water’ comes out of it ever again.”

“But Jao~”

“NOW!”

Russia sighed in defeat, “Okay…but can you at least say I’m your favorite waterpipe?”

“ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!”

Epilogue

Headline News: China declares war on Japan.
According to reporters, it has been determined that the sudden declaration was caused by Japanese fan girls ruining the Chinese nation personified's sex life.
UPDATE: ch 3 "Twinkie Bears" is now up: [link]


These are crack ideas that came about from the RoChu Pervy Squad…yes that is what we’ve been nicknamed as…Orz. Anyway drabble format again (meaning lay off on details and different from usual style).

Yes, this is rated M but hopefully still funny?

Ch1
To see Yao's panda that doesn't look like a panda at all:
[link] <<< last strip

Anyway it came about because people said it doesn't look like a panda. People said, it looked like a Russian bear instead. Most likely it's because Ivan put it there saying, "This ass belongs to me. Touch and die"


Ch2:
A/N: I have no idea why, but I love ruining sexy moments with pure crack. It's just so much fun X"DDDD. This idea also came from the conversation we had the RoChu MSN group. The Japanese fandom calls Russia "Waterpipe-kun" so I used that as the premise and u do admit, Russia sure does love his waterpipe thingy (no innuendo intended)

To my Rochu member reading this, next time I promise I'll use the word "dangly" LOL
Add a Comment:
 
:iconaerekidd:
AereKidd Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2011
XD... waterpipe¡¡¡ lol
Reply
:iconbehind-love456:
Behind-love456 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2010
butttocks lol cute, funny, and smexy sexy
Reply
:iconeyebrowwaggle:
EyebrowWaggle Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2010   Writer
“…Get that ‘waterpipe’ out of me now aru, or I’ll make sure no more ‘water’ comes out of it ever again.”

...right, that's just... I'm just... *Ahem*, excuse me while I go die, because that's... just... brilliant. I haven't grinned like this in a long. Frikken. Time. :heart:
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2010
Thank you! This was inspired by a weird conversation I had with some fellow APH fans XD
Reply
:iconssaturdaylover:
SSATURDAYLOVER Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I died today reading WONDERFUL YAOI. Continue so my ghost shall be at ease. XD
Reply
:iconproflaytonfan:
ProfLaytonFan Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2010
XDD Waterpipe-kun!
Reply
:iconpunkteacup13:
PunkTeaCup13 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010
*face-computer screen* Waterpipe-kun just about killed me...
Reply
:iconstawberrylawli:
StawberryLawli Featured By Owner May 9, 2010
Lol I said Tsk at the same time china did. Oh and the panda is really a tattoo of shinatty-chan.
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner May 9, 2010
really? That's the first time I've heard of that. It looks like a bear to me from the strip >_>. I have actually never seen a a fanart with Yao having a hello kitty on his butt but I've seen plenty with him having a panda. Can you direct me to your source if you don't mind me asking?
Reply
:iconstawberrylawli:
StawberryLawli Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
sure.....i can't remember where I read it OTL.
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
hmmm well this is what I got from hetalia_wiki. Although ppl can change it but generally, the sources are accurate

[link] <<< "He has a scar on his back, a reminder of when Kiku attacked him when they were younger, and a panda-shaped tattoo above his buttocks."
Reply
:iconstawberrylawli:
StawberryLawli Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
I that's were I read it was Shinatty-chan....oh well Cat panda still it's funny
Reply
:iconkhxionangel:
khxionangel Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2010
just so u know my friends and i cosplay hetalia and im China....

i feel very weird reading about this aru...

im gonna go show mother russia aru !
let hope he doesnt jump me again aru

AND RUSSIAN BEAR !?!? GAH RUSSIA WOULD DO THAT aru!! GRRRRRR
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2010
LOL

was it the pron that made it awkward? I apologize then. I can't seem to take smut seriously. It always ends up as crack for some reason or another XD

haha you're butt has officially been invaded by Mother Russia
Reply
:iconhikarikame:
HikariKame Featured By Owner May 7, 2010
YOU CAN'T TAKE PRON SERIOUSLY?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That is so like you! Awesome!!! That is just so much win!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconkhxionangel:
khxionangel Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2010
:icondisbeliefplz:


its awkard reading about myself getting raped aru

siiiiigh
Reply
:iconhikarikame:
HikariKame Featured By Owner May 7, 2010
Sorry, Mommy China. It doesn't get any nicer than this. Your best bet is to hide behind your Great Wall of Censorship and stay there. xD
Reply
:iconkhxionangel:
khxionangel Featured By Owner May 9, 2010
.... =_=''
Reply
:iconhikarikame:
HikariKame Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
xDDDDDDDDDDDD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2010
lol...honey, you haven't seen the extreme raep fics then XD. I'm no where even close XD

I don't write raep fics...it's not my kink >_>
Reply
:iconkhxionangel:
khxionangel Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2010
lol
Reply
:iconpbnjxx:
pbnjxx Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2010
AFFFF this is hilarious.
XD
I love them.
all of them.
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2010
thanks. I live to entertain~
Reply
:icondeviouslydoomed:
DeviouslyDoomed Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
This made me laugh sooo hard XD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2010
LOL, I'm glad it made you laugh X"D Crack is good for the heart y/y?
Reply
:icondeviouslydoomed:
DeviouslyDoomed Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
y! C:
Reply
:iconatds0724:
atds0724 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2009  Student Digital Artist
HAHAHAHAHA~!!!
XD
My gawd this is the best Russia X China fic I've ever read,
Reply
:iconanimezzz999:
Animezzz999 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2009
Hahahaha!! O god I laughed so much xDD Waterpipe-kun! Hahahaha! Priceless!
Reply
:iconnikolicious:
Nikolicious Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
OMFG!!! :XD:
:iconrussiaplz: this guy is realllllllllllllllllllllly scary....waterpipe-kun?? :XD:
poor yao.... "Property of Ivan Braginski right above it.” :XD::rofl::lmao::love::hug:
this made my day...*A*
Reply
:iconher-royal-nibs:
Her-Royal-Nibs Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2009  Student Digital Artist
I think I should add here that I saw an advertisement for "pipe instalation" somewhere. 8D
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009
LOOOOOL I'm sooooooo sorry XD I have forever changed the meaning of pipes for you huh?

I bet all the pipes have "Made in China" on them :P

but really it's Made For China
Reply
:iconher-royal-nibs:
Her-Royal-Nibs Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2009  Student Digital Artist
It's a change for the best!!!! It cheered me up a lot because I was having a bad day~
But then I couldn't pay attention to anything else and kept giggling and messing up my parts. (It was during a marching band performance.)

Definitely~
Reply
:iconmia-cullen:
Mia-Cullen Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2009
LMFAO I didn't know Yao has a panda birthmark on his BUTT =]]
Reply
:iconnejiobsessedfangirl:
NejiObsessedFangirl Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2009
Actually, right above his butt.
Reply
:icongentledalmationkt:
GentleDalmationKT Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2009   Writer
It's weird, i JUST finished reading this on FF.net o_o

/adds to watch list/

I SHOULD BE WORKING ON MY FANFICS NOT SITTING HERE READING OTHERS XD

Ffft, I love the fic anyway C:
Reply
:iconorkideh84:
Orkideh84 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009  Professional Traditional Artist
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! BRAVO!!! This is seriously one of the funniest fanfiction you ever wrote for a long time! It makes me seriously wanna read more RuCho over and over again!!! xDDDD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009
lol why thank you *bows* I actually try to avoid humor cuz it's so gosh darn to write. I actually have to give create to Weland
and Koneko for coming up with the ideas.

And yes! read it over and over again! Pimp it! Spread it! Make others fall in love with it...>_> Become with Russia da? ...no wait...I think if they read this one, nobody would want to be with Russia ever X"DDD
Reply
:iconorkideh84:
Orkideh84 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2009  Professional Traditional Artist
You're so much welcome! >3<
Well I can't write anything good anymore because of huge writingblock plus I keep forgetting most important things when writting, like good English grammar for example plus some words.

hahahaha, sure I'll show these fanfiction to my closefriends! xDDD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2009
ah don't worry about it. I'm sure when the mood strikes you, something great will come about. For me, I always skip words like for example "How are you" I might write it as "how you." I have to proofread 3 times to find my mistakes and i STILL miss some. OTL

>_> I was joking...but if it'll convert them, please do! X"DDD
Reply
:iconzukizaki:
Zukizaki Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009
LOL you totally changed my whooole way of thinking about "waterpipe" now Yunbi! =_,=
This is too funny LOL X'DDDD, but at the same time, totally ruined the smexy mood!! (= 3=
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009
LOL I told u like ruining sexy moments. I was like hmmmm will a sensual way of writing in the beginning go with the ending? But I figured the more sexy I made it, the worse it would be when Ivan busted out the waterpipe X"DDD
Reply
:iconzukizaki:
Zukizaki Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2009
LOL you such evil creature!!!
Reply
:iconwhitewings9:
WhiteWings9 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009  Student Writer
Waterpipe-kun?!?! *snorts* xDD Favourite waterpipe?! How many waterpipes have Yao 'experienced'?! xDDDD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2009
LOL then at least we know it won't take Vanya that long to convince Yao to call him waterpipe-kun XD
Reply
:iconwhitewings9:
WhiteWings9 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2009  Student Writer
Poor Yao! xDD But give Vanya what he wants and he'll give you lots of loving xDD
Reply
:iconkillmesoftlyluv:
killmesoftlyluv Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2009
HAHAHAHA OOOHH ROFL :rofl:
waterpipe-kun <333
Reply
:iconkagami222:
kagami222 Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2009  Student Filmographer
omglol, waterpipe-kun...that must be such a turn-off for Yao. XDD
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2009
Epilogue

Headline News: China declares war on Japan.
According to reporters, it has been determined that the sudden declaration was caused by...Japan fan girls ruining the Chinese nation personified's sex life.
Reply
:iconxblkdragonx:
xblkdragonx Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2009
I think I will include that in the fic....
Reply
:iconher-royal-nibs:
Her-Royal-Nibs Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2009  Student Digital Artist
VANYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! D:<<<<<

He likes his "waterpipe-thingie" way too much.
Reply
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September 15, 2009
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